In the Winter of Our Times, The Bittersweet

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have Promises to Keep,
And Miles to go Before I sleep,
And Miles to go Before I sleep"
- Robert Frost, 1922

I keep coming back to this final stanza by one of the modern (20th Century) poems I greatly admire, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". My grandfather was only six years old when it was first published a year later. Why is this significant to me now? Well, it is the first official day of the coldest and darkest season of the year in North America, and usually not my favorite. Like most humans (I would imagine), I seek light, warmth, and shelter not unlike the lower animal beings, but we have also develped this habit over the years of gathering by said light warmth and shelter and opening these curious things called books. Some of us even presume to mull our thoughts over and commit the results to paper (or computer), following a grand tradition of contemplative writing.

This poem, in particular, has stayed with me all the years since I first read it in high school, because it reflects many things recently occurring in my personal life as well as the world's collective experience. At different points, this stanza was a mantra to "keep going", to not give up into despair and self-destructive thoughts. I remember this as clearly as I can recite "The Lord is My Shepherd", and I find that they complement each other, in a way. Now, it reminds me to stop a while and reflect, admire tranquility, simple beauties often overlooked or disparaged. It has always been the kind of thing my mind wanders to when I am feeling particularly alone and cold walking about by myself, which often happens in this time of the year. Funny that my birthday falls on one such day, practically in the middle of winter, as a constant challenge to my continued determination to exist with significance and purpose.

I stumbled upon a rather engaging website called mental_floss where I could literally wallow away any down feelings with as many trivia facts and theories that my mind could absorb. Imagine my pleasure to find a poignant and thoroughly appropriate list of select quotations from Mister Fred Rogers, a PBS staple in my childhood home.

Mister Rogers, Robert Frost and Bob Ross... sigh....

Please enjoy below, especially #3...
- The wisdom of Mister Rogers... mental_floss

I am glad that a lot of hard discussions are currently at the forefront of public consciousness and media coverage. In the past week, a lost soul reached his breaking point and killed his mother, 20 6- and 7-year-olds, six courageous educators and then himself. We also more quietly welcomed back into safety veteran NBC news anchor Richard Engel and his crew from Syrian abductees. Large tragedies and small miracles abound in both stories continuing to unfold. We have some major decisions to be made as a nation of many peoples but one destiny. One day we will all be gone, but it remains to be seen, what or whom will be forgotten.

I leave you with this...

Transitions

The eve of winter is nigh... the shortest and darkest day of the year in these parts, and although it is a symbolic death, it also summons the sun back to its lofty perch. Last week I saw The Hobbit by myself because I didn't want to pay $21 to try and get into the same theater that my friends were watching with their tickets bought in September. Plus I am not the biggest IMAX-and-3D junkie. I was a bit sad that I didn't have anyone there to commiserate with on plots, or to wake me up when I dozed off during one of the drawn out under-the-mountain hikes the Dwarves embarked upon.

It really is funny when I think about it, how my life this year had its twists and turns emotionally, yet some aspects were a singular consistent trajectory away from one thing towards another. The statement that entered my mind at the beginning of the year, when I celebrated my 30th birthday was, "I am nobody's princess, so I will have to be my own warrior". I kind of kept this as a secret mantra, to keep reminding myself of what I wanted and needed to accomplish to feel better about myself and pull myself out of the emotional rut of the previous year.

I didn't really have a clear battle plan for how to be my own warrior though. I knew that I had to stop feeling sorry for my failures in my romantic relationships, and stop being fatalistic that I would never find anyone again that would love me for me and genuinely pursue my attention and embrace. Being rejected really is shell-shocking on a certain level. I have dealt with my own discouragement after applying for jobs and fellowships, worried that I was not good enough, and having my fears confirmed. I have even felt my faith in my current arrangement falter just enough to lose the will to put my best effort in, but cynically not enough to completely walk away into the promising blank slate of what's next....

I wanted adventure but I was too stung by previous folly to even pull out the map this time and place my finger down blindly.

It has always been time to build the roads on that map, though. To get out there in the jungle even by speedboat on the river, if necessary, and cut one's way back, forging a path to be the first installation of a new route. So I have had to ask myself what kind of woman would I be. I wish I were in some kind of epic film where some alpha leader-type character would address a group,asking who would take up arms or join the scouting party through dangerous terrain. "I can't promise you will all return," that person always warns, but I stand up anyway, or I even yell out my own supporting leadership call. "We will take the North road and rendezvous at the fork in the path at sunset", something like that.

Sometimes one has to decide whether it is fitting to remain in an underpaying, uninspiring position, or pursue one where professionalism ultimately must overshadow previous intimacies, for the sake of a genuine chance to prove one's inherent higher value. When do you protect the king or defect with a small contingent? Why is this so grimly battle-themed? Am I just in a romanticized fantasy-based mood to deflect from other tormented thoughts in my current state? What if I don't get this job anyway? I hope that I won't dissolve into a puddle of desperation. Maybe I should quit at the end of the year anyway and book that ticket to Spain, M....

Oscuridad... La noche

La notte e silenziosa e nel suo silenzio si nascondono i sogni- Italiano

La noche es callada y en su silencio se ocultan los suenos- Espanol

La nuit est silencieuse et dans son silence se cachent les reves.- Francais

Die Nacht ist stillund ih ihrer Stille verbergen sich die Traume- Deutsche

The night is silent, and in its silence, dreams are hidden.

Kahlil Gibran

In Spanish, the verb ocultar is defined, "to hide; to conceal from". It also includes to keep from, as in dishonesty by omission; to keep back what ought to be said; to cloak; to disguise;

Shrouded in mystery... se me oculta la razon (the reason is a mystery to me)

Why does this word fascinate me right now?

To tell the truth, I came upon it a couple days ago when I passionately undressed a Baci Perugina Dark Chocolate Hazelnut wrapper. This particular chocolate always has a delicate yet profound message underneath the foil in five languages. Kind of like a Chinese fortune cookie, but more contemplative.

Since I am a fan of Kahlil Gibran's writings, it was refreshing to see the quotation, and even more entertaining to test my language translation skills.

The funniest coincidence is that this was the second day after the General Petraeus Affair Debacle surfaced in the media, so I was treated with a direct true-to-life application of this ancient observation and its many off-shoots.

Petraeus' name, once probably held in high esteem among many, is now being summarily dragged through the mud from not only his own public admission and resignation, but also in the inevitable fallout as it continues to unfold. I can't help but feel the sad irony of the whole thing, where national security concerns have to be brought into play aside the current occupational impropriety.

So... how to maintain political transparency in such an explosive climate? Only time will tell.

Emeli Sande had a few lines on a similar subject...

Easier In Bed lyrics
I'm feeling like a hole in your head
Like the last thing in the world that you need
Time to go but we hold on instead
Close our eyes and we make believe

It's hard, hard to fake it baby
Hard to endure it baby
This don't feel like love anymore
Hard, hard to take it baby
Hard, hard to face it baby
It's getting harder to ignore

But it's easier in bed
Easier in bed
At night-time we pretend
Cos it's easier in bed

Dancehall Democrats

"You Obama guys are literally at my door right now. Is this a joke? We’re just gonna go vote now.” - taken from a real volunteer's real conversation...

Word on the street is, we get out the vote. That is: New Yorkers on the phones at home, on the buses out-of-state, and Ohioans in the streets in their hometowns! My fellow campaigners in our Williamsburg location have dealt with a lot in the last 24 hours- buzzers that don't work, computers that don't work, volunteers with no phones or laptops, internet links that don't work, grumpy landlords, crowding, emptying, last-minute scheduling or connection changes. etc. All in a day's work, and that day was about 15 hours yesterday. As the Intake Director and Comfort Captain, my duties were signing people in and out, making sure they were well situated and in their seats working, and keeping them hydrated or fed. In this dancehall of an apartment, that is literally a calorie-burning enterprise! Today I have my laptop so I'm able to do more during the few down periods. It's just so exciting to see so many people come out, from different backgrounds and age brackets for a universal goal. I really have high hopes with just a little reserve for possible disappointment (which would be ludicrous, really!).

Our host was really great and definitely a connection I would want to keep. We have definitely had some interesting characters here as well, like the venerable Dr. Geronimo, a white-haired distinguished Black gentleman with gold construction hat and boots, a wheeled display box and a can-do attitude. Today our French expat with no cell phone arrived on Parisian time. We definitely enjoyed her entertaining phone voice. Then there was the apologetic woman with her dog (on-site!) that was very nicely loud in her regrets for "bothering people on a Saturday night". I'm still trying to determine if she was serious or sarcastic. I mean this whole event is called Get Out The Vote. No apologies! We even had a visiting Muslim Canadian woman today from the Social Democratic party representing for a second election. I especially loved last night's campaigning veteran who immediately had sour words about the computer-based predictive dialler and it's many inefficiencies. He requested call sheets and repeatedly made disparaging references to our logistics, but he definitely had an engaging phone personality and even offered to buy four pizzas. Not bad...

Some things I have learned...
1- The importance of constant encouragement to trainees, including knowing the roles of the other directors' in the likely event of a crisis.
2- And then there is Timothy Pancake... an interesting individual on many fronts, but unfortunately appears to be playing for the other team, and thus becomes the requisite stand-in for all recalcitrant Romney-supporters in Ohio. Don't be such a Timothy Pancake!
3- And my own coined term... hey Democrat Donkeys, Don't Be An Ass! Really, because the last thing we need is annoying uber-Dems turning people off and providing any credible (or non-credible) fodder for nay-sayers en masse!
4- Convicts can vote after having served their sentence in Ohio, they just need to re- register. Misdemeanors included.
5- This awesome location is historic, having been one of the headquarters of Ukrainian National Home, and it was also a well-known dancehall in the 1940s.
6- Ben, our fellow training director and erstwhile elementary school teacher is a lover of bananas. To the point that we are now sending him psychic messages to promote his potassium addiction. Although I also learned that bananas make you sleepy, which is why they are recommended before bedtime... but Ben is a crazy barrel of laughs anyway, so he is totally immune...
7- If you think that you might get a last-minute request from Colin because you are the kickingest-ass campaign team in Brooklyn, get ready to spend an extra hour-and-a-half "bringing your A-game!"

Word(s) of the day: 11/2/2012

11/2/2012...
Now that my favorite month of the second half of the year has ended, I have much to reflect on as well as look forward to. We have survived The Sandy here in NYC, less about 35 citizens or so, my sister is en route to NC after much delay and mishap, and we are this much closer to Election Day and a true reckoning of what the next years will bring for this great country. My weekend is pretty set to be hectic, frustrating, exhilarating and tiresome all at once, but I am looking forward to the shared effort!

Two words are at the forefront of my mind now, very loosely connected to each other, but if you know me, they have infinite relationships of value.

1- Dittany: a herb. 'nuff said! The name sounds funny and old fashion-y, which it apparently is... all the way back to Roman manuals for medicine and medieval claims of astral projection. It seems to be related to Oregano and/or Marjoram in herbal scent or flavor. The original(true) variety, Origanum dictamnus or Dittany of Crete, is found in  the most precarious and impossible of mountaintops on the small Greek island, and has been used so much over the millenia that it is now an endagered, highly revered and protected plant with limited production in some small areas of Greece. Apparently, Dittany has also been referred to as an aphrodisiac and thus the focus of many erondades (love seekers), passionate and daring men that sought the pink flowered plant to present to their loves, at the great and often peril of falling deaths.

So, one can conclude that this peculiar hermaphroditic(!) plant is responsible for curing stomach ailments, flavoring prefumes, absinthe and vermouth, making crazy -in-love men climb and fall off mountains, and help witches fly out of their bodies.

2- Gravitas: A Roman virtue from ancient times meaning dignity, weight, seriousness and importance. As in, President Obama's call for such a virtue in the midst of the recovery effort post-Sandy, and pre-election. And, I would add, in the next four years, regardless of who is in office, because the last thing this country needs is the rest of the world looking at us with Schadenfreude.

So where do these two words collide? As my mandate states, I aim to Teach, Sing, Write and Fly. The month of October  has allowed me these opportunities in more ways than I could have imagined. I have Sung Songs from every corner of America, even debuted on Pratt Radio with lushTongue. I have Taught volunteers, voters  and readers alike. I have written many emails to family and friends, colleagues and elected leaders, and managed to squeeze in a few blog entries. And with the revelation of Gravitas and the importance of Dittany, I may very well Fly... if this election goes awry, I will have already applied to United and American Airlines.... let's see where the road takes me!

More Info...
http://www.bagnewsnotes.com/2012/08/gravitas-revisited-when-obama-became-acting-president/

Happy Little Trees

Today Google informed us that Bob Ross would have been 70 today. I am ever grateful to be old enough to have at least seen the reruns of his art show that used to be on PBS channel 13. It was always a calming exercise in patience, watching this mild-mannered man with a bright red afro scratch-scratch away on his easel creating amazing painted scenes. It was definitely a meditative process. The phrase that came to represent my childhood's more pleasant memories, early intellectual exposures and strangely enough, a college redux that linked Bob to an evolving neo-hippie movement. I'm sure there are t-shirts somewhere with that expression and the more cheeky stoner references.

Its funny to have this come to light on The Day of The Storm. Hurricane Sandy is currently whopping the eastern seaboard, from South Carolina all the way up to Newfoundland, apparently. The wind outside is definitely not for happy little trees, though. The MTA shut down mass transit yesterday at 7pm and I am home with our visitors, J and little A. It's nice to have them extend their time here, because I haven't seen them since February. Little A is amazing and just 2 yrs old, and I love the intelligence level. Maybe someday I will get my hands on some video of those old painting episodes and have her explore the world of Bob Ross. Rest in peace and Happy Birthday, painter-man!

Lost in Breuckelen.. Tales of Adventure Chapter 1

So what have I been up to, you ask? Being a busy little bee. Emphasis on the honey and other apiary products (more on this later). Since getting involved in the Democratic re-election campaign, FORWARD, I have met a lot of committed (and have spoken to many certifiably commitable) people. I have done more volunteering in September and October than all of last year or the last three years, I would imagine. And I have diversified! Not just this poignant political effort, but also with God's Love We Deliver, New York Cares and the Food Bank for New York City. Shout out to NYU's Recent Alumni Network's Community Service sub-committee for gently leading me on to a kinder, more gracious version of myself!

One phrase that I have said for years now, and have really had an opportunity to test the hypothesis and validty of, is "Brooklyn is vast".  It is truly it's own city within the City of New York, having been incorporated in 1898 as a borough. Living in Canarsie has its own unique challenges. I'm at the end of the L line, the oft-weekend-maligned route, and perpendiculared by temperamental bus lines on Rockaway Parkway and Flatlands Avenue. It is a fully residential suburban-y style neighborhood for the most part, getting even more obscure the further away one gets from the bus lines. I have actually lost a bit of my soul trying to jog or even stroll to Canarsie Pier (haven't seen the place yet).  And since I am a Manhattan expat, driving is not on the horizon for me in any real capacity. Did get a car-share membership with DriveMint, but I 've not "borrowed" yet- I do have a year... Since this area has been taken over by a diverse percentage of Caribbean folks, there is no shortage of a beef patty in a three-mile radius. One is a little hard-pressed, however, to find kale or plain greek yogurt on foot...

In addition to the busy regional campaign schedule, my parallel foray into the inner circle of the New York City Pollworkers began last night with my spirited collegiate Barbadian instructor, Ernie. Apparently he taught Kool Moe Dee at SUNY Old Westbury in his previous life. I was made aware of the possibility of being assigned to a poll in Brighton Beach at five am until possibly midnight.... for $200. Can't wait to get on the bus/train/"dollar"-van....

Precious Turnovers

I feel like the whole month of September is an endless chant of Happy Birthday this year! It's smile-inducing, for sure, and a bit distracting from all the other projects I am working on, but a pleasant distraction... In particular, Saturday was the first day of Fall, and though it marks the season of dying leaves rustling on the ground and plunging temperatures, it also is the season of harvest and reaping hard-won rewards.

Let me take this moment now to give a shout-out to two of my favorite gals. MA out in Spain, doing her thing, Happy Bday! Cousin Di, congratulations on your baby boy yesterday! I am in awe and breathing a sigh of happy relief for you and your family. A very special first Happy birthday to little X!

Now to plan the greatest sale/giveaway/clothing swap of the season!

Putting One's Ear to the Ground

On Saturday Sept 15th I embarked on my first campaigning trip to PA. I hopped on a free bus that loaded up 120 people and drove us to West Philadelphia, a "battleground border state". The voter registration is of paramount importance to boost citizen response to the atrocious campaigning tactics of the other side, and to rally the sense of solidarity in this country that we need to re-engage the masses out of a cynical view of the state of America Today.

The most heartening things was walking around the university neighborhood of UPenn and coming across so many young women and men of varying backgrounds that were fired up and ready to vote again or FOR THE FIRST TIME for President Obama! To me, it means that they have been paying attention these last four years, and are already thinking for themselves beyond the hype of the media.

And then I saw this picture today on msnbc...
New US citizens Pledge Allegiance in front of 225-year-old Constitution

And another thought occurred to me, how it will be that much harder for the Republicans and extremist factions to engender policies serving a minority population when more and more of the country is BROWN. Legal, voting, stakeholders of a darker hue than even the forefathers could have predicted.

Somebody better recognize!

So Much Sadness...

I don't really write a lot about 9/11/2001 because for me it becomes such an issue fraught with political acrobatics and entitlements a lifetime in the other direction of the most important aspects of the event. It does matter that there is a true and balanced record of the event, that the truth from the intelligence side as well as from the emotional human interest sides have their fair airing for the world. I agree that the terrorists responsible should have a court trial and be forced to face the severity of their actions. I also believe that the powers that be had a grand opportunity to do better faster, and either looked the other way or were playing some kind of dangerous game of anti-diplomacy.

The point is that this story is not over and it opened up an entirely new chapter in America's legacy, and we are all responsible for how much attention we pay to what is important and what is utter distracting crap. Now more than ever Americans are responsible for being the most savvy, the most educated, the most well-rounded citizens of this earth, for the benefit of themselves and everyone they interact with. It is true that this is the greatest country, yet if we make the ill-advised decision to squander our capacity for good and justness, to choose ignorance and arrogance, to look the other way within our own damn borders, we have no hope of convincing the rest of the world looking at us in awe or contempt.

That is why I want to learn other languages as fervently as I want to share my command of English. That is why I am compelled to apply for the Foreign Service, even the Department of Homeland Security, although I sometimes worry and mistrust the actual agendas of such organizations. Just like the BBC report of the 23-year-long effort to exonerate the victims of the Liverpool Hillsborough Stadium crush disaster- and the government publicly apologized- where 96 people died but 41 could have been saved if ambulance, media coverage and police response and subsequent cover-up did not rip through that community spreading lies, doubt, division and cynicism about justice, there is still the well-tended fire in civilized modern times of the prevail of that same justice. The jihadists(funny, this word is coming up as incorrect according to the grammar settings. What is the correct option? Sadistic!) may defend their prophets with inexplicable violence and disregard for the value of human life to their same essential religious tenets, the left and right extremists and religious fanatics of all stripes will scream for blood and disenfranchisement to the ends of time, but there must and will continue to be the bold and sometimes taciturn few that answer the call to arms, to peace, to wisdom, to trial and experiment, to tactic and level-headed negotiation and strategy to keep humanity going one day, one year, one decade longer. One decade past September 11th. Three generations past World War 2/Hiroshima/Nagasaki/The Manhattan Project. 500 years since "the discovery of the New World" and the siege of mental/physical/environmental/slavery that we still fight against today.  Shall I go on? Not tonight, dammit.

The Personal Story

Why am I getting involved in this campaign and why should anyone else? This is the first main tier of Camp Obama, becoming a volunteer that invests in training and recruiting others. Being able to synthesize your reasons for getting involved from a gut level, usually consisting of a challenge or motivation, a decision being made to address said challenge or motivation, the results learned or achieved from that decision and the ultimate "moral" of the story. I am currently sitting in the central office wrapping up my volunteer hours for today and behind me is Camp Obama. I am on the fence a bit about going to this next leadership level, because it does require a lot of time commitment, and you really have to have your story straight. Not just your personal one, but also the scripts and teaching tools for recruiting others and convincing them to commit for the duration, follow-ups, strategy and brainstorming. I don't know that I have all of that within me, even though I would like to believe I have the capacity. I have to decide soon. It is exciting as it is to be involved in this process, but I have to admit I am selfishly motivated by boosting my resume. I have become a bit obsessed with this document of my post-academic accomplishments, scheming to find other ways to flesh it out and make it look shiny again. This job has gotten me so down at times, that I didn't even have the heart to look back at my work and academic history to compare it to where I landed three years ago.

I don't mean this to be a woe-is-me post, but actually a mental excercise to convince myself of my true value. I know it, it's within me, but lizard brain and romantic heart and frazzled stomach all try to pull me in different directions.

The bottom line is that my personal story comes from the exact frustration of not getting close enough to my academic focus and career goals after graduating with my Masters. Literally two months after graduating I was "downsized" with a severance package. Then I spent that summer and fall feeling like a loser and discourage from even pursuing anything else. I got my present job the following January, but I felt so far out into left field, and I didn't know how to turn myself around. Then 2010 brought the US Census project. That Spring and Summer I joined the forces canvassing East Harlem as an Enumerator. I tried really hard to get into a permanent position after that job ended. I did learn a lot about my neighbors and the state of people's lives. Undocumenteds living 13 in a two bedroom, all "cousins" of the head of household. Hispanics that insisted the Census questions had a racist bent for not considering them a race, while a light-skinned woman identifying as Puerto Rican checks off "black". America truly is great for giving voice to so many myriad identities, and still attempting to make sense of what that ultimately means for any future policy for the people.

This, and the one month I worked for a fundraising company that put us on the street for UNHCR and my subsequent crisis of faith in foreign aid, definitely prepared me for what I am doing now. Putting a literal ear to the ground of the constituents to find out what they care about. Reminding them that we are better off now than four years ago, and that the job for President Obama is not over, that it will take four more years and beyond to get us fully upright and dusted off from twelve years of backward policies and agendas.

And it's not for nothing, either, since I just recently have a lot more potential "food" on my plate, with the online Groupon deal I just "invested" in, I would soon be preparing  to take and intense online course and subsequent exam to get certified to teach English to foreigners. An accredited course from Cambridge University and Press, no less! I would literally be taking up an academic gauntlet thrown down by my uncles and father before me- a prized title from the UK itself. Dad has already suggested I get in touch with his old advisor at East Anglia University.

I am gearing up for the road ahead, riddled with rearranged schedules and long hours. And I will be asking for Sept 13th (Primary Election Day), November 5th and 6th off today. Just in case I do get that pollworker's position...

Training Days

Got a late start today, but I made my way to the central office of the Organizing Obama Campaign in NYC. My night was sorely interrupted by the loud pitiful cries of my neighbor's dog, who apparently spent the large part of the night outside of her shed. And I have reason to believe she was tied up outside, because even though the shed door was wide open, she was crying under my window, even when it started pouring two hours into our ordeal! I was so mad at 5am that I called 311 and left a message with ASPCA.

After oversleeping to compensate, I packed up my laptop and headed out to the midtown west office. It definitely is a workstation, with open space for chairs to be put in any necessary team formation, small desks manned by youthful and energetic staff and volunteers, and conference and office rooms along the far wall that alternated having their doors wide opened and closed for individual interviews with upper Field Organizers. It was exciting and a little bewildering to figure out what started when and who to report to or gain information from, but after a while of sitting around, I was given my directives for the day- learn VoteBuilder, the Democratic Party's database, and start entering call logs! I have worked with many databases before, so it did not take me long to get in the flow of this one (take that, resume!). My timing was off to perticipate in the voter registration training, but I have a general idea that that will take some more time. I think that since logistically I decided going to Virginia or Ohio for the next two months wouldn't really work with my budget plan, I will throw myself into a part-time fellows position, where I still have an opportunity to excercise leadership skills while balancing my job and job-searches and singing group.

In addition, MA just sent me a Groupon for an online accelerated TESOL course that would prepare me to take the certification exam offered by Cambridge. Got it! So definitely after this election I will be working on getting my hours logged towards teaching English as a second language. Sooo, excited now. I am really stepping outside of my comfort zone with some of this volunteering, but I feel that it is what I really need to do to prove to myself that I always had it in me. What's next, world?

When it rains....

Well damn....what did I go and get myself involved in?? Everything! Apparently! I will elaborate... Last week I was feeling a bit of the ole storm cloud depression, brought to me by my un-favorite lizard brain. My boss came back from his two-month hiatus, demanding progress reports and to-do lists, as if this was the measuring stick of all my hard-won successes while he was gone. I actually got fed up of wasting time writing up constantly cluttered lists when things always went off-list anyway. I started back last week to humor him, though, and attempt to make a paper trail of all the things I have been trying to get upper management to take responsibility for and facilitate me completing my job in a timely and organized manner. I would say I have had a 40% success rate with that....

So I decided to throw my energy more into looking for other types of work. I revamped my USAJOBS profile, tweaked the resume again and even started reshuffling my business card collection. At my Sunday volunteer shift with NYU's Recent Alumni Network last week, I met this cool Peruvian-American woman who works for DHS. She had just relocated back to New York from DC. She said she would get in contact with her friends in DC to see where I might have a chance. Something has really been talking in my head about being open and focused to the idea of possibly relocating for whatever job opportunity presents itself. I mean, in a way this is not a new idea, since last summer I have been gearing up to be overseas somewhere, but I didn't give as much thought to moving within the US. Every time I think about "the Midwest" I get mental hives and hyperventilation. This is in spite of my great effort to avoid stereotyping and prejudices from keeping my mind open. The place scares me, I admit. What's a Northeasterner with vibrant-bordering-on-opinionated-hair to do with my ideas and disposition in a place like Madison, Wisconsin, for instance??

But along came trustworthy craigslist, the fuel of choice for the bored, frustrated and yet determined day-worker. Apparently, there is one type of retail job at present that I can really get behind- The Tea Store. In this case, Teavana has an opening in an Elmhurst shopping center, and I can suddenly see myself as a Barista, serving and singing the praises of oolong and rooibos! Any extra form of income at present is welcome, but true to myself, I cannot get involved in anything else that sucks my soul dry... I must believe in it. These five words have been my mantra for the past two weeks. I guess that is how I found myself answering a MoveOn.org listserv email and went to Organizing Academy for Obama's 2012 campaign. At first I was considering aiming for a position as a Deputy Field Organizer, which would mean I would have to relocate to a "battleground border state" from mid-September until end of Election Day- Ohio or Virginia. That right there is an exciting and daunting possibility for me because on one hand it would liberate me from my present job, and really throw me into something infinitely more meaningful and motivating. On the other hand, I would have to be comfortable with uprooting myself financially and putting a lot of faith in the process working itself out without comforts of a familiar surrounding or routine- not to mention serious 12 to 15 hour workdays! I don't know if I am cut out for that AND hostile people that don't want to hear what I have to say.

So I decided that I would take an unpaid volunteer position in NYC, dedicating as many hours as I can manage to phone banking and voter registration strategy, which would give me a chance to really expand my community leadership and organization skills while also putting me in connection with interesting and influential people. i have already shared two business cards that feel like gold leaf in my hand! I feel like Mario jumping up for coins as I run full speed over the cracks in the sidewalk. We spent six hours training today and learning how to tell our personal stories to convince people to join the campaign of get involved, made a few phone calls, and brainstormed voter registration tactics. Tomorrow I will tote my computer into the main office to do some data entry, and use Google Voice to call people in Ohio. Not paid, but fulfilling and educational. Still waiting to hear back from the tea store and USA JOBS and various contacts, but in the meantime, I got something else simmering on the stove...

Things will be gotten done in August!

Just saw this article online, entitleed "Why Nothing Get's Done in August and Why That's OK". Not me, dammit! Things will be gotten done. My 22nd anniversary of being a diarist/journalist/obsessive private writer is approaching, and it must be heralded accordingly. My main objectives for August is to find some alternate or permanent way to earn money. I have already gotten a contact from a tenant (!) who saw that I was not happy where I was.

More after the break...

An Anniversary

I never thought that I would reach such momentous occasion. The 22nd anniversary of my venture into the world or journalling, journalism, list-making and poetry. Truth be told I still have my very first "published work", a pristinely preserved dot-matrix-bordered four-line printout of a once-upon-a-time I created in my 1st grade computer class. I actually can lean beack in a chair and recreate the bluescreen and the largeness of the computer and desk....

Some thing can never be taken away from you.

I also received my FutureMe letter from the 31 Day Reset Challenge, and I am happy to not be a disappointment to my past self. I have connected with my dearly beloved Accountbility Partner, cousin DADS, and she will impart her wisdom and tough love on me on Saturday.

In spite of the lethargy-inducing heat, I have worked my ass up and gone running more mornings than I thought possible (and will do again when the humidity stays down more often), and I even activated my monthly gym membership to put some quality time into a swimming pool. So far so good, although my aim is at least three days a week. My singing group is developing our repertoire for our October debut at a Pratt radio show, and I just ran into another music producer/DJ who is making me really consider my position as a musicmaker... a title that I never actually owned before.

And I will find my way out of this job, dammit! I will realize my dream of travel and exploration.

In general, I am at a place that is not so uncomfortable any more, and promises to generate even more sooner than I may think. I really believe a lot of the funk I was in was fear of the hardest first steps towards whatevergoal I may have. Facing my demons, being told something I don't want to hear from someone when I aleeady know it to be true, being told "no" one more time....

I will continue to be inspired by others, and take the baby steps towards these leaps of faith as they come.

Hoisting the Bucket (List)

I have put a lot of thought into this over the years. A decade ago I travelled to Australia to study for three months. I walked in a Tasmanian Heritage Site and imagined myself in the world of Middle Earth. I said I would make it to New Zealand before the next ten years. Hasn't happened yet, but it's up there. I definitely see a lot more travel on my bucket list, for the main fact that my blood was meant to go far. I may never have any biological children, but there is something in me that yearns to know all the places I came from. I want to see China, and maybe trace down my ancestral line there.

Other places to go...
Bali
St. Petersburg via Trans-Siberian Rail
Goa
Hindu Kush
Tibet
South Korea
Singapore
Scotland
Ireland
All the countries of Central and South America
Alaska
Vermont
Quebec City
Vancouver
A desert in a foreign land
South Africa
Morocco
Namibia
Madagascar
Kenya


Things to Do...
Read the Bible
Read the Q'uran
Visit a Buddhist temple
Visit a Hindu temple
Visit a Jewish holy site
Go to a Jewish wedding
Go to a Hindu wedding

Write and record a song
Photography project(s)
Ride a Horse
Build a house
Have a garden or greenhouse (or farm!)
Scuba diving
Publish a memoir, novel, nonfiction, children's books
Revisit my Master's Thesis
Have a positive understanding/relationship with my father
Design clothing
Create and maintain libraries and conservatories
Participate as a board member for a successful mission/organization
Have a charitable fund for young women

This list will expand, I'm sure!

Finding a Community, Making New Friends, Reviving My Love Life, and Letting Go Of The Past

Well damn, these challenges just keep getting better and better.... The funny thing is how many of these attempts I have already made independent of this program. Its a lot of fits and starts, meanderings and redirections. I feel the need to address these particular challenges at once, since I need to catch up anyway, but also because these are sometimes difficult for me to do, more than anything else. I have considered myself a loner, someone on the fringe, slightly aloof since high school days. I have been in situations where I was part of a group my circumstance or default, and I didn't stand out. I was not uniquely recognizable, did not feel that my presence made any profitable difference or even totally adhere to the mindset or objectives of the group. I couldn't sign on their dotted lines, and my voice was a bit dissonant against theirs.

So what to do? Well, I started focusing on what did I want to be a part of, what drove my passions, what cold pools did I try to take a dip in. I won't say that all of these I am currently and immediately successful in, but it is an ongoing project. I did reach out to someone dear to me to be an accountability partner, to help me in this process of becoming financially balanced. I made an investment in my own future in faith and joined an online community LearnVest, and am looking forward to the events where I will be networking with other men and women getting on track. I will make an effort to go to my meetup group of self-starting business-minded women, and maybe make a friend there, too, or at least gain some practical tools. Just yesterday my uncle contacted me on LinkedIn and asked me for more details about what I am interested in, so that he could possibly find connections in Guyana. Working in Guyana! Now that would be an unexpected and exciting change.

A tenant also gave me a contact yesterday for someone who works with local government, and is possibly looking for an intern with the elections approaching. I am interested in civil community service, and although I don't think I want to be totally entrenched in government, I am definitely interested in policy-making that directs a lot of government's practices. Well, I guess I have the beginnings of a new perspective.

In the realm of reviving my love life? Backseat burner. It is over a year since I broke up with J, moved out and spent a summer being pitifully single. The Fall of 2011 brought some renewal to my sense of romantic adventure, but I am still not at a place where I feel comfortable seeking out anything, or making myself emotionally available to another new person. I really feel that I need to focus more on my own uplifting right now. The old adage of loving yourself, knowing your own self-worth, thus making yourself ready for "the one" that may appear... I partially accept this. I don't manhunt. My ex found me in a bookstore, twice. I see tons of interesting people that I wish I had the guts to walk up to and engage, but I don't even do that with women who might become bosom buddies.

So, I will continue working on my engaging mannerisms and dynamic personality traits. And I am getting more comfortable being by myself, so maybe at some point I will be comfortable again accepting romantic company.

Letting Go of The Past? Well, I finally got in the pool two days ago. And moved practically everything out of J's apartment last month. And that list of past hurts and disappointments will be burned tonight in the backyard.

Day 22: Start A Side Hustle

Ooooh sookie sookie now! This one has been in the back of my head for a minute, and I just have been to scared, to unfocused or two clueless as to how to get a side hustle lift-off. I pulled out all of my beading tools to craft some earring for my friend's wedding, and it slowed down after the heat started creeping up. Prior to that, I was furiously looking for a tutoring gig, only to discover that many agencies require that one be a certified teacher or in the realm of a substitute, where all I have is one summer as a camp educator ten years ago... but I really do want to do something in literacy, whether its kids after school or its adults in their spare time, or even better, studying for citizenship exams or something. Just the thought of being a private tutor makes me salivate. I think I could be really good with the one-on-one for starters. But I also want to step up my freelancing game, or even venture into  print editing.

Guess it's time again to bulk up on my reading and research!
Happy Black Woman's Side Hustle

Days 19/20/21: Get Rid of Stuff You Don't Need, Remove Negative People From Your Life, Stop Complaining for 24 Hours

Why are these particular daily challenges bunched together? Because for me, they are a part-and-parcel effort I have been working on for quite some time, in different concentrations. It all started with right around the time I was feeling it was time to leave my previous job, before they graciously let me go with a small (small!) severance package. July 16th was my third "anniversary". It was a kind of release and expulsion at once, not unlike the baby bird that is half flung out of the nest and must actually use its wings to take off for the first time, or find itself acquainted with gravity. Well, leaving that job helped me to sever many negative people from my life in one fell swoop. And it seems that I am rounding out to that point again. But, if I believe that most of the negative people I find myself being around on a daily basis for many hours a day are at my job, how often will I be able to employ this distancing technique? I can fully accept the inevitability/eventuality of having to deal with unpleasant people or situations, but sometimes I have found myself waffling at exactly how to deal with it in the most positive and self-sustaining way. These three days' challenges seem to be saying, you will need a thicker skin, a coat of armor here, lady. Get out the bow and arrow, and wrist guard, while you're at it. Dig deep, flex a little bit, look down to get your bearings, but then keep your forehead high!

June 30th was my Day 19 in a way, with the backyard sale, and its minimal success ws a downer for a bit, but it did indeed make me more determined to proceed with the challenge to a determined level of success. I will have another sale. And maybe another, And then there's Freecycling and even barrels to be sent to Guyana. But if I can make serious headway with reducing the amount of stuff that hangs on my like barnacles, then I know I will be that much lighter to shrug my shoulders at adversity.

It's a bit harder for me to commit to 24 hours of not complaining. I have triggers, and idiocy at my job is definitely one of them. There are too many things that I cannot control (or express autonomous task completion) and my Capricornity rises up. I yearn for order, for justness, for clarity. For a paycheck that reflects my efforts to imbue all of these things into my overload of job functions.

But I will keep trying this week to muster 24 hours over the five days...

One of the tricks I have allowed myself to attain that goal is to find the flip happy side of whatever it is I am grateful for not having to deal with. The silver lining, if you will.

For instance, I am grateful for the chance to have access to resources to pursue a better job/career while still having at least a little financial agency to plan and save. So many people don't even have that right now, and have not had for as long as I have been at this job.
I am grateful for a coworker that I can commiserate with, that thinks nothing of dropping me home from work four days in a row because she knows I am still recovering and it's hot outside.

Baby steps...

Day 18: My Self-Care Plan

I have done variations of this for as long as I have been an adult. As a perpetual and frantic listmaker, I sometimes wondered if this was what I was reduced to in times of personal stress. I worried that I would never "really write" again. I could probably publish some novelty book that would end up on a shelf at Urban Outfitters.....

But I still write these lists, and make valiant efforts to stick to them. Publishing this one after The 100 will actually be a good way to keep myself on track.

1- Continue waking up early until its an effortless habit
2- Drink 60 to 64 oz of water a day, cleanse or no cleanse
3- Take time to center myself and my thoughts
4- Sing more
5- Meatless two days a week  at least
6- Keep track of how much and how I spend $$
7- Clear up outstanding bills I've been ignoring
8- Find a way to get the rest of my stuff out of J's apt already!!! (AKA reduce my dependency on others that weaken my self-actualization)
9- Eat more whole grains
10- Develop and stick to a workable, pleasurable hair care regimen
11- Keep finding jobs to apply for and uplifting programs to participate in

Happy Self-Care!

Day 17: 100 Things That Make You Happy

Really?! Is this a trick? I hope that I can keep within the framework of this exercise... It was nice to see this upon waking, though, because it put a smile on my face as I went to work, and I actually looked around in my same old work neighborhood anticipating anything that I could add to my list.  That is definitely a first.

And I did find something.... two little boys no more than eleven, still short and scrawny but full of energy, racing each other down the street, stopping at every block to catch their breath. They were probably on their way to summer camp, or swimming lessons, but something about their zeal was fresh and innocent, the brotherly grins on their faces, their regard for each other, stopping at the corner and not daring each other to cross the street into oncoming traffic... all of these things held me in awe because they were genuine. I was looking at two little boys who were kids, not trying to be ghetto hoodlums-in-training, no cussing, no dangerous activities frowned upon by adults, they might as well have had a stick and a tireframe! I know, that's a tad bit nostalgic for a time way before my own, but after hearing countless stories of the boyhoods of my uncles in Guyana, a truly more innocent time.

At one point I began crossing the street and they had stopped gasping for breath, readying themselves for the next jaunt, and I casually said to one of them, "tie your shoelaces", and he actually acknowledged what I said! I kept going, smiling as I saw him bend down while his friend waited. They knew the value of what I was saying, especially in relation to their present activity, so it was heeded with natural ease. After that, every block they reached they gave me the slightest regard as I caught up on my measured walk to work. I kept a smile on my face, truly happy that I could have had such an interaction on that particular day.

Usually I bristle if someone tells me to "smile", like an imperative thrown haphazardly, out of context, with a presumed intimacy that feels intrusive on my person. Just because I am walking down the street and you observe me and I don't have a smile pasted on my face doesn't invite you to to directly insist that I change my visage for your approval. Why do you feel the need to project whatever you are feeling onto me and then require a mirror reflecting back at you. It would be one thing if the man (and it's always a man doing this) would have said, "good morning", like the gentleman of the South do. That might have illicited a more natural regard and response from me. But no. Does this go on in Germany, or Peru? Do men walk down the street telling women to smile? They most certainly say good morning or otherwise acknowledge each other. What is the cultural significance of that particular behavior? Do Black men tell women of other races to smile in New York City? In Brooklyn? As often? Anyway.....

100 things that make me happy....
1- Birds singing, especially exotic sounding ones that I am surprised to hear in the city. There is one particular bird that I must track down and find out what it is, because I am pretty sure it looks unassuming, and then emits this magical mesmerizing call that always stops me in my tracks.
2- Farmer's Markets
3- The Urban Farming Renaissance
4- Knowledge that my mother and grandparents were beekeepers- ushering in a lifecycle not often considered, but is indeed vital to every eating "higher" being on this planet for millenia!
5- The possibility of great journeys and adventures, whether I see it yet or not
6- Laughter, explosive, unhindered glee
7- Colors
8- Textures
9- The abillity and the desire we all share to hug and have human contact
10- Something to write on
11- Something to write with (mind, fingers, pens, paintbrushes, toes! eyes! breath! etc!)
12- Essential Oils
13- Herbs
14- Beads and everything that goes into making jewelry
15- Recipes
16- Good food, healthy and not-so-healthy
17- Fruits!
18- Vegetables!
19- Ancient grains!
20- Olfactory paradise
21- Foreign countries
22- Foreign languages
23- Animalia
24- Plants
26- The deep sea
27- Well Made Clothes
28- All amazing aspects of physical Earh
29- TREES!!!!!!
30- Progressive, uplifting science
31- A good cup of tea
32- Cats
33- Dogs
34- Books
35- Music that rocks me and makes me want to sing out loud
36- Friends old and all-of-a-sudden
37- Mysteries
38- Word puzzles
39- Interactive games
40- Hiking
41- Biking
42- Swimming
43- Old-schoolin'
44- Singing!
45- Dancing!
46- Clever debate
47- Storytelling
48- Poetry
49- Magic
50- My Strange Black Hair
51- Microscopes
52- Great Sex
53- Freedom
54- Natural cosmetics
55- Lingerie for Me!
56- Innovation in the Black Community
57- Thrifting!
58- Old couples that still are happy with and enwrapped in each other.
59- Fathers with their children and loving it
60- Happy couples of mixed origins
61- Learning a new creative capacity in myself
62- Being confident to teach something to others
63- Being able to help others
64- Being able to give others wisdom
65- Being able to accept and internalize wisdom from others
66- Knowing when I can walk away with no regrets
67- Silliness
68- Smiling babies
69- Being able to relate to small children and remember that I had a small childhood
70- Open mindedness
71- Peaceful spirituality
72- Chocolate
73- Irreverence
74- Comedy
75- Artistic Drama
76- Ancient architecture
77- Great Companionship/Mate for life's journeys
78- Nerds
79- Confident Sexuality
80- Yoga and Pilates
81- Spices
82- Environmental Preserves
83- The ability ot create and appreciate Art
84- Confidence in my justness of being
85- The myriad possibilities of Beauty
86- Films
87- Photography
88- Family celebrations
89- The knowledge that my family is vast, varied and available
90- The promise of my niece
91- Parents that haven't given up on me
92- The capacity to not give up on my family
93- That I have sisters (but a brother would have been nice!)
94- Travelling
95- Meeting people from far away places
96- The Color(s) Purple
97- Alice Walker's writings
98- My brown complexion
99- Genuineness
100- Compassion

The 100

Day 16: Rest, Reflect, Comment

Ditching the TV yesterday was hilarious! We had a blackout on our block that lastes about three hours! Imagine my surprise to come home and seeing my Villeroy and Boch purple glazed hurricane lamp in use on the kitchen counter, and my old radio with batteries from a beach trip at least two years ago! Funny how certain situations bring long-agos back to the forefront.

What is the most important thing I have learned about myself this week? My ability to be resilient and tenacious, even in the face of extreme hardship, whether physical, mental, work-related or self-sabotage-related! I had surgery last monday, and am still reovering, which means alternately being forced to use my voice and my throat when I am not quite ready to and facing the painful consequences, in addition to learning about my capacity in arears I didn't think I was strong or focused enough to handle.

I have struggled with and am still struggling to find an accountability partner. I really know few people that I would trust with exposing the state of my personal finances with, and has enough self-discipline to teach me the same in a loving and constructive and consistent manner. It makes me sad but also nervous about how to address this void in my life that I know I need help in. Still looking...

My favorite exercise was definitely the ideal life narrative, where I allowed myself to dream, to not self-edit, to run away with myself  "on paper"! It was sometimes only when I actually wrote something down that I was able to identify it as a true desire of mine, something real and probably worth pursuing. Since then I have added more things in my head to that narrative, like recording some songs, writing some lyrics that go beyond my personal publishing, expand my jewelry-making skillsets and even be a part of a music/dance production again! It seems that I am now yearning for a lot of the creative endeavors I envisioned as a child but had to walk away from in following my parents' directive in academic excellence (math, sciences, things that "matter").

I hope that these insights have some validity for others that may come across this post. I am young yet, I know, but I am trying not to hold on to the regrets of "my youth", to make way for the vast expanse of possibility of my future.

Day 15: Ditch the TV for 24 hours... Saving My Mom From Herself

Can I get an amen?! Ms. Thurman really knows how to hit the money! Thankfully, I can honestly say that I don't get as caught up with television as, say when I was unemployed for eight months, and last summer on my aunt's couch... the 'rents don't give me a chance to! I have found myself co-watching whatever they are sometimes, but I lose interest after a while and resort to my computer. I am slow on the whole Netflix phenomenon (which has subsequently evolved to Hulu, then Optimum has the unholy audacity to feed couch potatoes with internet-based television.... have mercy on us all!), so there's that... I resist mostly because most of the shows I would really want to keep up with are on HBO or Showtime and cost a lot of money and effort to access, but I do acquiesce to the occasional indulgence. I do like my nature shows, the occasional court drama or BBC/PBS show, and we definitely share this once in a while, but I would much rather be outside biking or traversing the city than sitting in front of a brain drain.

Last week's recovery found me ogling the tv a lot more, but it still gets too boring and I have always been much more of a reader anyway. But my mother is sorely addicted to COURTTV, ID, 48Hours, and their ilk. It's maddening, ever since she upgraded to cable, it's endless television. It is the first thing that turns on after the lights in the morning, and does not shut off as long as she is at home. She will fall asleep with the tv on, the light glaring, the sound low to not disturb my stepfather that turned in at least two hours earlier.

It makes me sad, and angry for her. But how can I tell a 53 yr-old woman what to do? I am not exactly where I want to be in life, having moved back in with them after a failed live-in relationship. I had not lived with my mother for almost seven years when I moved in back in October.... There are soooo many issues to be addressed with how she takes care of herself, but she is still my mother who cares for her adult daughters, no matter what mess they get themselves into. I respect that. She inspires me with her encouragement as well as her personal examples of what not to do, how not to get caught up. I am simultaneously trying to be as good as her and better than her- is this what it means to be a daughter?

As for me, I know I must not let a whole year ( or much more than that) pass before I am independently living again, for my own sanity as well as for her continued peace of mind and personal development therapy. I used to make excuses for why I could not move on or get going because of whatever criticism I harbored in my heart for mom, but maybe I need to show her I can do it, so she can give herself permission to do it as well.

I sent her this challenge in her email this morning, and left a handwritten note on the kitchen counter with as much love and suggestions, and as little admonishment as I could muster. Like the letters she found digging through old stuff in her Bx apartment, I have been writing versions of my observations, fears, frustrations and love to mom for at least two decades and beyond... I wonder if she will keep this one (or at least read and digest it).

As she said this morning, "out of the mouth of babes"...

Happy Black Woman Day 15: Ditching the Boob Tube

Day 14: Redesign Your Day, Designing for Life

So it occurred to me that I could use a little more planning and self-direction in order to pull myself out of the rut I am in. Granted, I know a lot of the things I have to do, I just procrastinate and then wring my hands right up to the minute of reckoning. Obviously not a sustainable way of handling things. Part of it, I know is the inherent panic that wells up when confronting the amount of money I owe various entities, and the sadness of my small paycheck, the feeling of being very stuck and unable to see a constructive solution. It even costs money to save money, apparently!

The day was a bit of a rollercoaster. It was my first day back to worksince my surgery, and I felt determined to not let things stress me out, since I am still on pain meds and am weakened from not being able to eat my regular caloric count. I hit it fast in terms of sticking to my time goals, and started making calls whenever I had a moment. Of course, I have been fighting the urge to just flat out resign since being off this past week. In the beginning of July, I heard a voice in my head that said this Happy Black Woman may just walk away from this deadend gig by the end of the summer if I really succeed with these daily challenges. It's like I know that the only sensible end solution for this journey is to totally face my fear of perpetual unemployment in order to save my creative and innovative soul!

I must really pat myself on the shoulder today. I worked on developing a clearer vision for my objectives, and decided that any time I am online should be in pursuit of order in my life, whether that is through innovative ideas, concentrated job searching or self-education. I may be embarking on my greatest challenge yet- investing with faith.  There is a former schoolmate from my high school major class who is an emerging fashion designer. She just earned a spot in NYC's next Fashion Week in September, and I am determined to be there to document, through journalism, photography and any other way that I can, her rise to recognition. I feel very giddily ambitious about this for some reason. Her fashion style is mesmerizing and refreshing, not only because she develops from a Muslim modesty background, but that it effortlessly transcends just that world and legitimately appeals to a wider audience, with the grace and confidence as it were always just so.  Invigorating! I think I want to be a sponsor for her, which is a daunting task, figuring out how to raise $1500 in two months or less, but I must find a way! 

My resolve to redesign my day starts with getting my ass to bed by 11:30 latest, and getting up by 6:30 or whenever my body says ari:se earlier (like my 5:45 Freaky Friday)! I will also put more effort into planning out my outfits and packing my purse the night before. If possible, I will even put some lunch away tonight. I have found that setting a purpose in my head as I lay down to sleep gives me a kind of dreaming agenda that usually stays with me until the morning, a vital aspect of keeping me on point. I will still allow myself an hour or so of mindless reading or watching, but I will definitely keep that in check with the undercurrent of urgency that I won't let myself deny anymore.

Day 12: My Ideal Life Narrative

In my everyday life I am getting up early and making time to meditate, to center myself and assess what the day's plan will be. I have my clear, organized workstation with my highly functional computer and camera and videorecorder (and portable tablet) ready for their assignments. I look at my calendar of upcoming events to attend and projects to continue or begin and my life is full and rewarding. I see my timeline carefully etched out where I see my financial goals coming together every small step of every day. I have side gigs that allow me to sing and travel with my singing group and grace whatever gathering we are scheduled to perform and interact with. We discuss the theme and intent behind our life's work and inspire others, or make collaboration connections. We may even be featured in a local documentary of college-based arts movement. I am using my ethnographic research skills to have people tell their own stories with me, to effect their pwn realities so others may hear and be informed.

I work on smaller projects instead of a long drawn-out endless repetition leading to no particular goal or resolution. I am in a space that promotes group project work, yet allows for individual innovation and creativity, whether it is brainstorming how to launch an education center in a village and managing the securing of local sponsorship and pride as well as outside influence. I have many pots simmering, not burning, on my innovative stovetop. I am not overwhelmed with searching for opportunities because they appear and connect before my eyes in my everyday interactions with people and events. They light up in colors as beacons on a postboard, saying, "hello, over here, this is you right here!"

I am not afraid of joining a group or committing to a board position where I feel that I have the authority and experience to lend my voice, my concentrated effort in whatever the task or oversight may require. I am writing my books, my poetry, my children's observation series, my family's biography. I am taking small trips to all the edges of the world that define my origins, and cataloguing the huge undertaking that made me who I am today. And publishing it. I have found an acceptable and non-dream-crushing solutin to my school loan debt and repaying or absolving it.

I am working with progressive Guyanese historians, writers and government officials to revamp the country's faltering education systems, providing (or coordinating) consultant services on infrastructure projects aimed at providing access and equal opportunities for all Guyanese and foreign visitors to Guyana, outside of political factions or agendas (a tall feat). I am a forerunner in attracting talent, intellect and people to Guyana for long-term, maybe permanent involvement in a new government, a new economy, a more vibrant and sustainable Guyanese ruling society.

I have a home in my native Guyana that I visit often and manage the land well. I hire a caretaker when I am on a work jaunt. I maintain a home in the United States somewhere, and I am also an active member in the watershed protection programs of New York State, for it is truly one of the most beautiful treasures I have come across, and I do have a strong sense of ownership and its continued health. In the winter I find myself in warmer climates on a development or language project, consulting or building. Sometimes I house-sit for a faraway friend to facilitate a fluid sense of where I belong, as well as a cheaper and more creative way to see other parts beyond.

I have a healthy space for appreciating good food and other creature somforts, whether it is a spa retreat or an investigative report on alternative living or homesteads. I am fascinated by those that successfully live off the grid in America or elsewhere, and am convinced that they could contribute to better living models for many others. I have a literal and a virtual library in every homestead I lay my head to rest. I challenge communities to be literate at all ages, and provide access to inspiring and progressive materials in multiple languages.

I make time for my friends local and global. I am adept enough in the latest communication technology that I can Skype call my uncle in the rainforest and videochat my niece in NC, or my sister in Brasil. My friends also come and visit me wherever I am stationed, so that there is a more balanced desire for each of us to be in each other's lives. I am not intruding and they are not going out of their way. I am comfortable around their kids and become that fabled "aunt" that goes everywhere with strange stories. I may have a child, but I don't see it happening in the next five years, not with this narrative, anyway. I may find a mate along the way, but he would have to be within the same field or frame of mind, doing something I aspire to do or am already capable of. I don't need to measure up to my mate, and he doesn't need to reign me in like an errant possession. My family will have come to terms to the roving in my spirit and my footsteps and those who would support and encourage me will look forward to my triumphant returns (and give me their numbers for the occasional late-night time zone phonecall!)

Day 12: Ideal Life Narrative

Day 11: Dear Lizard Brain...

Whoa this day was made for me!
Nice to know I'm not the only one fighting strange reptiles day in and day out... although that might just be the codeine talking...

Dear Lizard Brain,

What is your deal? You are making me a crazy person with the chorus of "no"!. My prime directive is to sing, teach, to write and to fly, and you insist on rubbing your sluggish scales across me! I am gifted these days of recovery to reflect and to catch up, but you would have me squander this time, fighting the painkiller fog, instead up at the crack of dawn to beat myself into a plan of action. All you want to do is gripe about expense! Dammit, I will sell this shit that is cramping my life, I will find a side gig, or a permanent transition, SO HELP ME!

I felt discouraged when barely anyone showed up to my backyard sale last Saturday, even though I called people, texted, made a facebook event page, even posted on craigslist! But I will do it again. I will not ne bogged down, I will push forward!

I am not going to give you the satisfaction of having me wallow in my stuff, hot and bothered and unfulfilled.

No way, no how!
Day 11: Write a Letter to Your Lizard Brain

Day 9: Do One Thing...

One thing, like the One Ring to Rule Them All. The one thing that always freezes me in fear and indecision, not knowing where to start for fear of looking like an ignoramus; a chorus of no, not enough in my ears like moqsuitoes draining my positive energy.

Something you've been procrastinating on for a long time
Something that inspires you
Something that terrifies you

Handling my $$, or my virtual market value perception of my $$, anyway... I can't afford investment advice, and reading all the books in the world doesn't spell it out enough in plain English!

It just looks like it's dwindling away and not growing, and why should I keep putting my hard-earned pennies into something whos eflame is barely keeping me warm???

HELP!

Okay breathe.... I called the Brokerage Firm, I played dumb and had them explain to me yet again why I should keep my moderate growth account open and not roll into a ROTH IRA, but actually POUR MORE $$ into this little nest egg.... am I crazy?! Can I really afford this commitment? How do I even know if I'm diversifying enough (what the HELL is diverse, anway?)? What difference is this from life insurance which I cashed in when I was unemployed anyway? Where are the websites or people willing to guide me through these hurdles like the Master's Degree Artistic Baby that I am?!?

Are there greener, more socially rewarding versions of the Brokerage Firm that I could feel proud of lending my $$ to?

There is just too much information and not enough at the same time, but I'm 30 and I'm not going to be a poor landless spinster, dammit!


HELP!

Day 8: Reset, Reflect, Comment

The Day 7 challenge was fun, creating a colorful lifemap that helps to add a visual representation of all the areas of my life that are important to me, and how I want to affect positive change in each one. I realized that I do, indeed, want to incorporate more gardening and food-based workshops and activities in my life. Didn't quite get the spring/summer garden going like I wanted to, but there's still time to plan for fall!

I also identified the need to see my sister and my niece soon. I don't like that they are so far away and I don't get to hold Little A and have her stare at me with her unnervingly calm demeanor! She's singing and talking and I need to inject my auditory influence on her! It's a no-brainer that I need a new job, but what I really want is an apprenticeship (paid of course), something that I can foster a new skillset while developing confidence in a field or area of focused creative development. I am sick of these do-as-you're-told jobs that drain my spirit and my resolve to do better with myself.

Day 8: Reset Reflect, Connect...

The most important thing I learned about myself this week was that I do have resolve and will fight for my life!

My favorite exercise was the lifemap, as mentioned above. It added a visual element with the colors and pattern, which inspired more ideas in every category.

The exercise I struggled witht the most was the Personal Mission Statement. I still don't know if I did that one correctly... It was hard hard for me to put down such a serious-minded written commitment without feeling bound to it in all its deterministic contractual presentation. It's as if I don't have the right to write one if I don't have a clear enough picture of my mission, so it ends up being this ramble instead of a clear consice statement. I see that is something I will have to keep working on. Happy Black Woman Day 8

Day 6: Write a Personal Mission Statement

What is it about these statements that always makes me feel like a fraud? I try to see around them, to word them another way, to give myself an out in case I don't live up to what I've written down.... but I guess that would defeat the purpose. This new formula says Values + Values in Action = Personal Mission Statement.

Okay, so I kind of have my idea of what the short-term should be, but I always get flustered with the long-term.... how long into the future is long-term? In five years, evern if I want to own my own home and have paid off my credit card bill, does that mean I would have found the job that facilitates that goal? Am I just a perpetual nay-sayer of my own desires in life? Sometimes these questions really paralyze me into non-action! I just don't know which pile to start sorting out, where to start organizing. Should I start and stop or methodically do one thing then move on the the next after its completed? Multitasking is such a load of perfectionist tripe!

Like, how am I supposed to back out of a dead-end job that is my only meager source of income presently, turn my back on the dues for a new organization I got myself inducted into without really understanding the ramifications of, in an industry I don't see myself embracing? Do I have to run with every lead to see where it goes? Can't I just back away slowly from this?? Everyone always says, "well, you never know what connections you will make, blah blah, blah", all I have is a new bill in the mail I can't afford from an Institute that seems to have money-based events, no real help for me in my lowly low-level version of what their industry represents. I'm not even sure I'm living up to my swearing-in pledge when I'm at work!

Breathe....

My Mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find a way to marry my travel and learning interests with teaching and doing. That sounds vague... I strongly believe that education is a force to be reckoned with anywhere in the world, in this country. I don't necessarily know if I am cut out to be one of those selfless angel teachers, but I would like to think that I still have something to offer. I love languages, learning about, interpreting, translating, relaying meaning to others, bridging the foreign with the familiar. I want to be more comfortable with connecting the dots for people, for myself. There are many types of language; legal, academic, political, artistic. I will find one (or more than one) avenue to teach, to navigate and interpret for others.

I am on a mission to find a fulfilling work/life balance, where I can learn to be an interpreter for various languages in fields that uplift, inform and facilitate learning and positive action. I want to be able to be creative and innovative in my work, to the point where it's not even a job any more but something I can identify with. I can't identify with what I do to earn money presently. Administrative may sound safe, but its also binding in its capacity for innovation. I want a box that I can cut out a corner, or fold back and expand with my own wall, or better yet, my own window. I want to brainstorm with people that are ready to go out there and put theory to practice, or at least in the beginning, apprentice with such people that bring a lightness to one's frame of reference. I need to get out from under my debt, and I must challenge my level of comfort to find ways to do that. If I fear teaching to repay debt, I must find out why, and maybe find another way that isn't so jarring to my sense of accomplishment. I will focus on what I can do, what projects I will get involved in and see to the end, not be afraid of what seems to big, to emotionally expensive. I will search for a mentor, and in my search, find myself becoming a mentor.

I will not give up. Day 6: Personal Mission Statement

Re-Stocking the Mental Shelves

Okay at 5:45 a.m. this morning I awoke clear as day from my foggy dreams and pain syndrome of the past five days. I had a tonsillectomy Monday morning, and as I predicted, found myself in reset/recovery relapse. I kind of allowed myself some time to catch up, not go to work, sleep whenever the drugs kicked in, ignore every two phonecalls or notifications buzzing on my phone, since I made the semiconscious decision to let life pass me by for a bit. I mean, whose life was it anyway? Who got up at 5:30 on Saturday and schlepped her shit out into the backyard and labored to arrange and notify the neighborhood and all her friends about the momentous sale of the summer? Yes, I had the physical and moral support of MA and my Mom, to some degree, but I alone held the desperation of needing this event to take off, for people to show up to MY show, for a change. It took a lot out of me to come to terms with releasing all the things I have accumulated over the years, so when it took almost twelve hours for four people to show up (and I am so grateful for them), I was kind of let down.....

Who says what pace I'm supposed to run at, or who I'm supposed to catch up to? it occurred to me yesterday afternoon though, when my mother casually mentioned that she emailed me two CUNY job postings that expire today that even her gentle unobtrusive nursing must give way to me getting off my ass and living my life. For myself. For her, for everyone that believes in me more than I tend to believe in myself.

The trick is to steel oneself, to not be overwhelmed. Sometimes I foget that my middle name starts with a D and not an O. I did realize that I get discouraged easier than I like. It stinks of weakness and lack of resolve and everything I want to suck out of Snow White, Maid Marian, Katniss Everdeen, all the warrior women I find myself watching and salivating over onscreen. And there are so many others that pop up without their names at present. I want to earn my next tattoo. I know I am getting it, as clear as I knew when I was unemployed that it was the right time to finally get my driver's license. I decided at the beginning of the year that I would be 30 with my woman warrior on my shoulder, protecting my back and pointing the way forward with the tip of her keen arrow, but I'm still fumbling through dark forests, through bright barren deserts in my understanding of where the fight is, which direction should I run...

But here I am nonetheless. And something got my ass up a full hour before my alarm went off.....

Day 4: Identify Your Values

Ok. I am up early, raring to go, I even took the time to write in the journal, go to the HBW blog, post my comment and read others! That is a lot before nine a.m.! Somehow I cannot see the fruits of my labor in the comment area, so I will just transcribe from my journal instead...

This list (lists, I LIVE by lists!) will be pared down to the top ten, but I just wrote freely as they came to me.

Being financially solvent, seeing myself, my mother and my sisters out of poverty and debt; travel the world, lessen my Western/American footprint in said world; meaningfulness; LOVE without domination; LOVE with accountability; good relationships/communication with my sisters, father, and (who am I kidding) Mom; healty living; no fear of my own authority and agency; my own home; independence; adventure; quiet solitude when I need/want it; a TRUE MATE; connection to and an understanding with nature; public service; strong friendships; published, successful writing; challengin my physical capacity; educating youth and those in crisis; learning and perfecting/being comfortable with/in another language; teaching English or whatever I can impart to others; own some land; fulfilling work and agendas.

And then, when I was reading other posted comments on HBW blog, two women mentioned sexuality. I was refreshed because a lot of the spirituality/God posts were prominent on the list, but I only noticed two instances of that particular line item. If that is not a stiriking commentary on where "we" place the importance of that aspect of ourselves, then I don't know what else to say.

I was heartened by it though, because I saw in myself how it passed my brain, but I self-edited and decided not to put "that" there. My good friend Sacred invited me to her end-of-year presentation/performance a week ago, and it is still resonating with me the vital connection to spiritual health many need to make in relation to the state of their sexuality. We all have so many issues to roll around with when it comes to with whom, when, how, why, and who else makes love. As I said on my mysteriously invisible comment on HBW, God made our flesh as well as our souls. So what are we then, if we ignore/deny/purge that essence of ourselves? Even the nuns and monks have a place for addressing and assessing their sexuality (or compartmentalization of it), I imagine....

Either way, I was very excited to create another list, and hold myself accountable by putting it in this medium.
Happy Black Woman Day 4: Identify Your Values

Love Letter Day 3: Dear Future Me...

Congrats on all your progress you made thus far!
You can truly say that now you have more to be thankful for in every area of your life. You have taken up the gauntlet, and flexed your arm to learn its weight, now you are becoming keen on swinging it to your greatest capacity. Aim high and well, my dear!

In Lifestyle: I love how you have made the decision to separate yourself from the stuff that has cloaked you these long years, that you can step away from it and its claim on your identity.
In Work: I love how you are not staying stuck, that you are drumming up a more determined spirit in what you do now, while simultaneously reaching far and wide to purpose your next move.
In Education: I love that you are willing to take the challenge to learn another language, and take on another certification process, and that you are taking protracted steps to inform yourself about great opportunities in learning, teaching and doing!
In Finances: I love that you see where you need to improve and that you have made significant effort to stay solvent. Keep looking for opportunities to save, to earn and to reconcile! Don't let fear and despair drain your pocketbook!
In Health: I love that you make a great effort to excercise, and seek out programs and friends that support a healthy balanced lifestyle. I applaud your self-awareness in your quest for a stress-free healthy lifestyle and look forward to more happy discoveries on this journey.
In Family: I love that even when you feel aggravated by Mom, you find a small way to apologize for the sharp tongue, that you choose wisely when to not say and when to say something, and that you can recognize your relations as fallible human beings, for it is this that allows them to recognize your own fallibility.
In Relationships: I love that you are bravely living as a single woman, fearlessly taking many steps alone and warming your own shoulders with your own loving arms. Keep doing that. And don't forget to enjoy Joan Anderson's A Weekend to Change Your Life, since it shares great insights and arguments for a time for solitude.

Indeed, your life is so much better now and it's all because of your hard work. Keep it up, girl!

Love,

DelaMae

Reset Day 1- The Beginning of the Separation from My Stuff

I am my mother's daughter, for real.  Sometimes I don't really admit that, or realize the similarities until someone else points it out to me... when I was walking through the Stabroek market with my paternal uncle, all of a sudden a strangely familiar-looking Rasta peers at me. He asks, "is you Shelly daughter?" My uncle, also a Rasta, replies, "this is me niece!" as if to protect me from/refute any claims the stranger may have on me.  It was touching and scary at the same time, two "ruffians" fighting over me in the middle of a bustling South American marketplace. But the fun part is acknowledging that I, too am a "ruffian"! Then I asked if he was a D'Aguiar, because he did, in fact look like one of my mother's cousins I met in NY. Turns out he is... and he saw my mother in me! I don't know if I have ever met him before, and he doesn't know my uncle... I just usually suspect that people will see my father's face and complexion...

Anyway, all of this to say that I have inherited a lot from my mother besides her resemblance... like her propensity for collecting stuff.  I believe the term MA used was "packrat". Not exactly endearing, but strikingly accurate. I am not quite as in a bind as I perceive, because I have been making a concentrated effort to separate myself from my stuff for a while now, capitulated by my breakup, which required me to move bag by humiliating bag from Manhattan to Brooklyn since last summer.

I came to the realization that I just cannot be around all of these things anymore.  They are filling up the spaces in my life that should be for singing, teaching, writing, flying, dancing, etc., so they must go!

I actually had an argument with my mother over a cakestand with cover set, where it seemed to me that she was advocating for the salvation of the cakestand, instead of recgonizing my need to release sentimentality from the space it takes up in my life. She actually challenged me to sell it for a good enough price (not give it away) or she would buy it from me in order to "give it to someone as a gift". I'm not falling for that! I am not enabling what I myself am struggling to keep away from.

Mantra: "We are in the fields of perplexity. Take heed. Wait awhile, for perplexity is the beginning of knowledge." Khalil Gibran.

Theme Song: "A Good Day"- Oceanlab

Girl, Challenge thyself...

Okay, so this week is already off to a bang since Saturday, June 30th. Why? Because I made a final leap into the unknown by moving the majority of my stuff out of J's apartment, over a year after we first broke up and I moved out. It was a gradual process, emotionally as well as physically. I am grateful that he was kind enough to allow me to keep my things there as long as he did, but I knew it was growing on him, the fact that my soul and body had departed, and all he had to look at every day were various castings.

I certainly did a lot of avoiding of the issue, but it was eating me up inside too. Part of me wanted to test if we were just going through a separation phase, and that I would be moving back in soon, with all of the issues behind us, but the issues still have not been addressed in a constructive way. No great transformations were made together, so it was time for me to step out of the cocoon.

So I am officially a Brooklynite now.... which ironically, was what I set out to be when I was first looking to move out from Mom's seven years ago.

At lushTongue, my singing sister O asked me if I planned this transition for the midway of the year. Not really, but at the same time, there was definitely something pushing me to "get something done" by this time 2012.  This HAS to be a year of reckoning and revival... I'm 30!

And enter MA's invitation yesterday, Happy Black Woman's 31 Days to Reset Your Life Challenge!

Alright, I will give it a shot....

The move is 98% done... and the sale/giveaway to occur by this weekend!

Deadlines and Anniversaries

So much has occurred and passed without proper acknowledgement this year... A year since I physically parted ways with my mate of five years, almost to the date of our 5th anniversary... Things just seems to have reached a standstill. Sometimes I still wistfully imagine that whatever foolishness brought us to the break will dissipate, and we will find ourselves back again like co-conspirators in life. But our paths definitely diverged, and as much as I can see an example with my mother and stepdad, it is still the exception and not the rule. In fact, the rule very well is something that I will be fighting against, if we are to take all these women's magazines and talk show hosts seriously to the letter....

The deadline of my ship going out to sea is fast approaching, and I didn't take my motion sickness pills far enough in advance.

Here goes nothing...

On How to Not Get Boxed In

The true tenets of life dictate the clues by which one must meander, decipher and endure in order to keep on living in this plane of consciousness.  Here I am, again, sitting on the A train like a perennial bag lady schlepping more pieces of my life back to Brooklyn.

I went a step further today to excise myself from the island borough by completing the online DMV change of address/ID order. It actually hurts to separate from the 212, but I do appreciate many aspects of BK.  MA helped a lot on Friday night when we sweated to the oldies from the last decade, reminiscing  our highschool and undergrad frivolities. If I could have split myself, one of me would have been videotaping the whole debauchery.... videotape.... I don't think I will ever completely sever myself from the old language and culture of the 20th Century...

MA is my true dancing partner! Saturday night proved that yet again for me. Shouting out the love, my dear.

On the real, though, she really did help me to point out the enormous burden of stuff I needed pare down in this moving out/moving on process. I could almost really fantasize about stepping out with a suitcase and an assignment, not caring a whit about piles of forgotten yet deceptively "important" papers, books, knick-knacks. She talks about chopping off much of her gorgeous curly locks, and a part of me quakes in fear sweetened with jealousy. Will I ever have such a beautiful annoyance?

It's not flippant- when one considers my own thick bramble of natural hair that takes on a character not unlike the rainforests of our home country transmogrified in the sweltering NYC summertime- but the real benefit of going through the mental dissertation is the value of perspective. That right there binds friends tighter and straightens my spine to keep looking forward to my very immediate future.

I met with LushTongue on Wednesday and Sunday to make up for the past few weeks of my awol spirit and body. Singing really is therapeautic for me, and I do enjoy this new opportunity I've fallen into where I get to practice with like-minded women in song and artistic freedom (improv, original, cover, it's all good!). I am so much more interested and determined to shake off some of myself that keeps getting in my own way.